COMPLETE MILITARY HISTORY OF FRANCE
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the
next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of
all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female
schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of
French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when
NOT led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only
country to ever lose two wars -- when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant,
but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis
that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flower
pots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied.
War of the Augsburg League / King William's War / French and Indian
War -Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces
deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the
height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have
loved ever since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar
to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English
colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle
Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare;
"France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent
was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the
First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being
no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of
drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by
the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's
like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call
her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American
forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United
States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel
Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to
bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a
western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades,
and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always
beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of
the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War Against Greenpeace - Lost. 1985,
the Greenpeace ship Rainbow Warrior prepares to sail for Moruroa Atoll for a major campaign against French nuclear testing.
Agents of the DGSE [secret service] bomb and sink the ship in Auckland Harbor.
I tree-hugger sans tree drowns. Six weeks later agents Prieur and Mafart
plead guilty to charges of manslaughter and willful damage. They get sentences of 10 years and 7 years.
French Prime Minister Fabius admits to state terrorism on TV.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to
surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in
a McDonald's.
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