Iraqnophobia 

The eight legged freak ( click to enlarge )

What is "Iraqnophobia?" It is a new film by the Great Maker, and the Galactic Inquizitor has the scoop.

A "phobia" is an irrational or abnormal fear.  So what is "Iraqnophobia?"  It is the newest sci-fi horror film out of Hollywood.  It's very controversial and very timely.  The films creative force is J. Michael Straczynski, known to fans as "The Great Maker." He is a director, producer, script writer, comic writer, and all around Renaissance man.  The GI entertainment reporter spoke to JMS to see what is it about this movie that has created such a stir.

Reporter : "Mr. Straczynski, what is this film about."

JMS : "It's a classic story, fear, antagonists, protagonists, a love story, turmoil, and a Vorlon."

Reporter : "Vorlon?  I must of missed that in my Greek Tragedy 101."

JMS : "Lords of order, imagine Martha Stewart with an obsessive compulsive disorder, and you are on the right track.

Reporter : That's definitely scary."

JMS : "Ah, but then there is the beast.  "Arthropoda Chelicerata Arachnida Araneae Saddamomorpha," he has jointed limbs, a segmented body, eight legs, two feelers, a thirst for blood, and names his offspring in Pig Latin..

Reporter : "Your basic B-movie eight legged large spider?"

JMS : "No, no, that's a Roger Corman type of slock.  This film has only the highest quality cgi and actors. Even some Washington notables are onboard. This project strives to go beyond ..."

Reporter : "So the Jumpgates will be the right color this time?"

JMS : "No Jumpgates this time, but there are plenty of effects and celebrities."

Reporter : "The celebrities, how did you get them?"

JMS : "Well, Saddam had a sudden opening in his schedule. It was very opportune.  The President George W. was the big catch.  He just happened to be in town for the Scooby Doo Film Fest.  Both were perfect for the plot."

Reporter : "Two men who convert to spiders?"

JMS : "Sure, one hid various chemicals and radioactive materials in his house for decades, and the other did chemicals decades ago."

Reporter : " ... and the Vorlon .... "

Attorney Gen John Ashcroft ( click to enlarge )

JMS : "Well, John Ashcroft was a natural.  He said he wanted to clean up America, and we gave him the chance to do so.   I have never seen anyone command authority like this guy.  He is so real it is scary.  Very personable, however."

Reporter : "How So?"

JMS : "On day one, he knew everyone.  He knew their friends.  He knew their family.  He knew what they read, watch, and enjoy. What a guy.  He was always helping.  One day my assistant deleted my email.  John spoke up, and gave me his copy.  He has his hands in everything.  He was truly the sets Big Brother." 

Reporter : "No draw backs then ?"

JMS : "He did object to the dance number.  He doesn't like dancing.  He never did Broadway you know."

Reporter : "Wasn't there a part for him in 'The Producers?'  Some musical number, ' Springtime for ... ' "

JMS : "No, he is not big on New York."

Reporter : "So what is the plot?"

JMS : "Well, young boy grows up in dysfunctional family, shoots elementary school teacher, kills a few more, kills boss, becomes dictator, kills a few more, plays with chemicals and radioactivity, and becomes spider that ravages and pillages.  Another boy never grows up, does chemicals, and becomes spiderboy, "

Reporter : "So why is this film titled 'Iraqnophobia?'"

JMS : " 'Arachnophobia' was taken, but 'Iraqnophobia' works. You see the boy develops a deep hatred for his Dad's attempted killer.  This progresses to a obsession and unsubstantiated fear of Saddamomorpha prompting him to seek revenge against the beast, its creators, and its home. He bombs the beast into oblivion.  Unfortunately, he takes out everything around it."

Reporter : "Sounds like The Mother Of All B-movies."

JMS ; "It is not got the nickname M.O.A.B for nothing!"

The Inverted Kiss ( click to enlarge )

Reporter : "I heard you crossed some lines and got in trouble with the studio."

JMS : "This is nothing new.  In Babylon 5, we tested the bounds with the implied relationship between Ivanova and Talia.  Now that is common place.  In this case, we explored the opposite side."

Reporter : "PETA seems to feel the scene was 'unacceptable and grotesque in nature..' "

JMS : "I admit there is no bigger Carnivore fan than John, but there were no animals in the film!  Just a small inverted kiss between President Bush and the Senator Tom Daschle. It was tastefully done. It was essential to the plot to have the opposing forces come together to fight Saddamomorpha.  So what's PETA's objection?"

Reporter : "Not the animal PETA.  This is Prevent Exploitation by Transvestites Of Arachnids.

Baghdad Bob declares the birth of atomic spiders ( click to enlarge )

JMS : "You'll have to address that to the Public Relations person, Muhammad Sa'id al-Sahhaf."

Reporter : "Isn't he  the former Iraq Information Minister everyone calls 'Baghdad Bob' ?"

JMS : "Amazingly he has a sudden opening in his schedule." 

Reporter : "There seems to be a good number in Iraq these days."

JMS : "Well, we are lucky to get them.  They keep the budget down so we do not take a Baath on payroll. With the savings I get to make this film in the USA.

Reporter : "Any new cinema projects in development?"

JMS : "There is a remake of great French literature.  It revolves around a Frenchman who's nose grows as he lies for others.  The tentative title is, "Syriano De Bombiraq," though the studio likes "Iraqnophobia II."  There is even a chance French President Jacques Chirac will be up for a part.  He will be in the area for the upcoming Vichy Chicks concert. "

Reporter : "On that note, thanks for the interview and good luck."

Published on: April 12, 2002 
Updated : April 16, 2003

Special thanks to Frieda for concept input and editing.

chelicerae / fang action diaxial, pedipalps, booklungs, chelicerae/fang action paraxial, President Bakr, Hussein,  Baath Party, Al-Baath Party, Arab Baath Socialist Party, Baathis, Al Ba'th Party

Arachnophobia

JMS

Pres. Bush

Bush,
Saddam

Saddam
Hussein

Vichy Chicks
aka Blixi Chicks
aka Dixie Chicks

John Ashcroft

Baghdad Bob