COLONEL BEN ZAYN ADDRESSES THE REAL "ISSUE." 

Colonel Ari Ben Zayn

There has been a lot of discussion of the "issue" of Talia and Ivanova, but Colonel Ari Ben Zayn addresses the "real" issue of going both ways.

The Galactic Inquizitor was contacted by Colonel Ben Zayn because he wanted to get attention on the real issue threatening human culture.

As most B5 fans know there has been speculation for years over the relationship between Babylon 5 's characters Commander Susan Ivanova and telepath Talia Winters, but is this the real issue?

Col. Ben Zayn : "Listen, this 'bi' thing is bogus.  It masks the real issue 'lefties.' "

Reporter: "Lefties?"

Col. Ben Zayn : "You bet. The left handed are trying to rule the world!  Us  'righties' must stand up for what is good. First, they want lefty scissors.  Then, they want lefty baseball gloves.  What next?  They are a scourge on our society."

Reporter : "How?

Col. Ben Zayn : "It's God's will.  Does the Bible call the chosen the 'left hand of God?'  No!  The 'chosen' are the right hand of God."  

Reporter : "Left-handedness is evil?"

Col. Ben Zayn : "Earth's culture reflects this truth.  The French for 'left' is 'gauche' which also means 'tactless' and 'awkward.'  While, 'right' is "skillful' and 'adept.'  We must maintain our heritage and eliminate the Lefties before it is too late."

Reporter : "Too late?"

Col. Ben Zayn : "Sure.  They try small inroads first. They get teachers to tell our children it's okay to use the left hand.  Next slogans appear like, "Thank God for the left hand."  This is wrong I tell you.  Next they'll make it cool to be 'ambi' ."

 Reporter : "Sounds like a hairy situation, but Ambi?"

Col. Ben Zayn : " 'Ambi.,' it is short for ambidextrous or bidexterous. 'Bi' was already taken so they are promoting 'Ambi.'  Instead of 'Plays for both teams,' the montra is 'Bats both ways.'  They're even degrading our national pass-time."    

Reporter : "But what is the risk"

Col. Ben Zayn : "Remember the British Empire?  They drive on the left. Is there an empire anymore?  Remember King David of Israel.  The Jews read left to right, look what that got them. The list is endless." 

Reporter : "But what does this have to do with B5?"

Col. Ben Zayn : "Open your eyes man!  Sheridan, leftie; Garibaldi, leftie; Ivanova, bi.; ... need I say more?"

Reporter : "So what do you propose?"

Col. Ben Zayn : "Right makes right.  We'll, deprogram those lefties.  We'll make them see the evil of their decadent lives.  Then all will be right!"

Note: Colonel Ben Zayn spends his time between The Ministry of Peace, The Buchanan Institute On Human Studies where he is a Fellow, and his infomercials for Prozac.

Published on: March 25, 2002 
Updated May 19, 2002

Ben Zayn

Sheridan

Garibaldi

Talia

Ivanova