Live Ships

   From: Darren Demaine
   Subject: Why the Vorlons can't win a space fight.

   The following is either classified intelligence files from the Earth
   Alliance or the ramblings of a deranged idiot. Probably both.

   Secure Military File; Earth Alliance #ADT8746356:
   Subject: Vorlon Space Vessels

   DO NOT MAKE COPIES
CONSUME AFTER READING

   It has recently come to the attention of certain sectors of the Earth
   Military Comamnd that the Vorlons possess so-called 'living' ships.
   These ships are apparently self-aware, fully sentient creatures.
   Through extensive study and consultation with Dr. Baka-chan of the
   department of para-normality at the University of Alberta, we are of
   the conclusion that the ships of the Vorlons do not possess any threat
   to our mechanical craft.

   The following is an extract from Dr. Baka-chan's work:

   "The reason we of the Earth would have advantages over any
   living ship is quite simple: computers and metal don't have
   personalities. While to err is human and to really screw up does
   require a computer; it should be noted that nowhere in the history of
   computers has a machine ever 'copped an attitude and told you where to
   take it, then run off with your wife in the late of night when you
   were busy trying to get this stupid report done.' For example, the
   following are possibilities one must think about when considering the
   possible advantages of bio-mechanics:

   1. Attitude:
       Captain: Full speed ahead!
       Living Ship (LS): Make me cheese-brain.

   2. Likes and Dislikes:
       Captain: Activate JumpGate.
       LS: No way, hyperspace gives me a headache.

   3. Personality:
       Captain: Fire all guns!
        LS: There must be some way to solve this problem in a
               peaceful manner Captain! After all, we're all
               rational, intelligent life forms! Just give peace
               a chance!

   4. Physical condition:
       Captain: Evasive action!
       LS: Oh , I think I'm going to be sick. [The thought of a 1000 ton
             starship being violently ill does not do good
             things for crew morale.]

5. Psychological problems:
       Captain: Move along side that other vessel.
       LS: I don't like the way his sensors are looking at
       me...I really don't like it...he's watching me...I
       can see it...he's watching me...ARGG! YOU WANT TO
        KILL ME! YOU ALL WANT TO KILL ME!! I'LL SHOW YOU PARANOID!!
       Captain: You just took out our command and control ship!
       LS: Hehheheheh. Got him before he got me.

6. Survival instinct:
    Captain: We've been hit! 2% damage to secondary hull!
    LS: OWWWW!!! WAAAHHHH!!! I HURT!! MOMMY, HELP ME!!
          THEY AREN'T PLAYING NICE!! WAAHHHH!!! I'M
          LEAVING!!!

7. Sexual preferences:
   Captain: Fire on the Narn vessel!
   LS: Actually, I think he's kind of cute. I wonder if
          he'd like to go out on a date...Opening hailing
          frequencies...Hey Narn Destroyer...want to go serf
          the asteroid belt with me?
 
 

   As you can see, living ships open up a whole new way for
   equipment to not act in the expected manner. After all, no one can
   exactly predict the actions of another living creature with any
   accuracy. I was planning to submit my wife as proof, but events have
   rendered that impossible.
   So in conclusion; it must be said that an Earth Force cruiser,
   which we know will fail because it was built by the lowest contractor,
   nonetheless has more predictability in combat the the living ships of
   other races.

   Dr. Baka-chan."

   END TRANSMISSION.

   This has been an Ultra-Violent classified document of the Earth
   Alliance. The
   Earth Alliance; building a better future, whether you want it or not.

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